Lost in Transition

2013 has been a very transitional year for me.  I have observed myself in situations I never thought I would be in.  I gave up my home, my possessions (except my car), my idea of my "future," and at times my sense of self.  From May to December I was homeless and to be honest this word used to carry a lot of charge for me.  The idea of being homeless would send my mind whirling.  "What am I going to do?  Where I am I going to go? What does my life look like?"  Well it did not end up looking too bad.  I was able to step back and take stock of all that I really had.  Everything that showed up was more meaningful to me than any apartment, house, or even mansion at the time could provide.  I saw a network of people who truly love and support me.  I saw the country side alone.  I saw the love of my family.  I saw myself stripped down to the bare essentials and every fear that I ever created or bought into so presently it physically hurt.  At times I felt defeated and embarrassed.  I would find it difficult to sustain my self-confidence and inner pride.  I heard every judgement that I ever passed on myself clearly.  I would play this game in my mind of comparing myself to everyone around me and it would literally make me collapse with envy, and this horrible feeling of not being enough.  I would feel like everything I had done up to this point in my life was a mistake and I trusted myself very little.

Now for a girl who prides herself on her keen intuitive abilities and healing gifts this was rough. I could not understand why I could see so much for everyone else but, little to nothing for myself.  Which way did I go?  At one point I became so consumed by emotions and judgements that I truly believed I had no purpose being here.  I had to find this place within myself that was at peace with letting go.  I had to see that I was capable of sustaining life, my life, and that purpose is all in my perspective.   I practiced being present and patient.  I was grateful for everything and everyone.  I would watch my life take shape organically, but I still felt out of control.

This is the good part.  Being "out of control" was exactly what I needed.  I created a situation for myself where control was not an option.  Control was completely taken off the table.  I had to figure out how to allow instead.  This required opening my deepest self up to receiving.  This was a tough one for me to learn.  I always thought it was a matter of giving.  Giving myself, my gifts, my money, my energy, my heart, anything I could give, that was the key to creating life.  I had to by default learn how to receive.  It sounds like an easy reversal, but for me it was not.  I discovered for me there was shame attached to receiving.  If I received it meant that I could not take care of myself, and that was shameful. Being forced to receive made me face this shame and realize there is nothing shameful in receiving.  It is actually quite beautiful.  It is the balance of giving and receiving that I now realize was the lesson I was learning.  Being forced to receive made me vulnerable and open.  In this space I discovered I strengthened bonds with others, invited new relationships and opportunities into my life, and allowed myself to begin a very important healing process of building myself and life back up.

I have found life to be a series of  cycles and by moving into a new home at the beginning of December  I have closed one cycle and started another.  It is the perfect time to be in this process.  I have four sturdy walls to remind me that  I can build, create, and receive my life.  This now allows me to give what I can when I can in a more harmonious and balanced flow.  Watching 2013 come to a close makes me happy and sad.  For a short time I lived in complete surrender and for as much of me that might have been scared of this, there was another part of me that reveled in it as well.  For 2014 I take with me the lesson of balance and self-understanding that has been the true gift this holiday season.

If you find yourself in a transition as well may I recommend a couple of things to help.

1. Release emotional build-up.  Crying is beautiful and vulnerability is key during transition.  It might not always feel great while it's happening, but emotional vulnerability opens you up to see what it is you truly desire.  It gives us the courage to say it out loud even if it's just to yourself.

2.  Call upon your creativity.  If you like to write, draw, cook, paint, craft, play music, or whatever it may be do it.  Creation can be incredibly healing and can give you insight into how you process and see life. Even if you are the only person that lays eyes or ears upon your creation it will provide you with your prospective.

3.  Meditate.  Find quiet time that is just for you.  Don't judge yourself as doing it "wrong" or not knowing how to go about it.  This is your time.  Focus on self love and care.  Open your heart and intuition to yourself.  Giving yourself time to reflect is vital and when you support that daily the health benefits are infinite.

Bringing the Blurry into Focus

Nowadays I feel like so many of us are searching for what makes us happy.  Happiness in career, love, and well life in general.  I have felt like I have been on a life long expedition to find what makes me happy and continually looking to outside sources for a sense of acceptance, love, fulfillment, and overall satisfaction.  What I have come to discover is that nothing on the outside is permanent.  Outside reality is constantly shifting and changing.  What once offered me comfort and security is now no longer in my scope of being or even within my visual realm.  Time and time again during these instances of change I found myself overly emotional and unable to connect with the possibility of connecting with happiness again.  

Lately I have been living in a reality of constant change.  This constant change and outward chaos has afforded and I would say blessed me with the opportunity to look inward.  How I feel about myself, what kind of person am I, where inside myself does happiness exist?  I have cut through layers of emotion, energy, personal blocks, resistance, and judgment to settle into this place within that is warm and loving.  I have heard it said many times that happiness is found on the inside, but I never really knew how to get there or what that looked like.  It took my entire outer world crumbling, looking past my emotions, and a rigorous yoga practice to open the doors for me to look at what really made me happy.  You know what I found, me.  I make me happy.  This sounds silly, but it's true.  Accepting myself for all of my beauty, heart, flaws, mistakes, and everything else in between has settled me into a space of peace that could only be found within me.  

With so many opportunities to buy into outward happiness and instant gratification in this world it is easy to loose site of how magical we are as human beings.  I have found myself so caught up in distraction in my past it is amazing I ever even allowed myself that deep breath that opened the door to my inner journey.  I had been so caught up in what my outer world looked like that I completely neglected my inner world.  I have no idea what the future holds at this point, but being anchored into myself, rooted into happiness, and having an overall loving attitude has been the most amazing experience in and of itself.      

Today's exciting news is I am the featured contributor on www.lifebyme.com! I answer the following question:

LBM: "If someone comes to you and tells you they are looking for what is meaningful, maybe a stronger sense of purpose, what might be a good question or some good ideas to get them on their way?"

TBM: "I find the idea of a “purpose” very limiting.  The question I aim to explore is “What else is possible?”  In every moment there is infinite possibility.  I assist and encourage people to live in the creation or question energy of life..."
 Check out the full article and what I have to say on purpose and possibility on the front page of today's home page of www.lifebyme.com.